Monster
by One Ocean
Summary: Much madness is divinest sense... To a discerning eye... the thin line between Sanity and Madness, Love and Hate. Another side of Elizabeth Midford. Based on a dream.


_**This story is based on a dream I had. It sounds like a rant; take in mind Elizabeth isn't on her right state of mind. Doesn't follow any actual storyline. Characters may be OOC. I love a strong Elizabeth.**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroshitsuji or any of its characters.**_

Elizabeth Ethel Cordelia Midford felt nauseous as the carriage approached the Phantomhive mansion. Paula shot her a worried look, and she smiled reassuringly at her. The maid shook her head unbelievingly but thankfully let her be. Elizabeth resumed her musings as she stared out of the windows at the upcoming manor. She was finally here, she thought as she gripped her skirts tight with gloved hands. Discomfort and foreboding had plagued the young Midford all week long. She hadn't been able to sleep due to the nightmares she had had. Nightmares full of solid darkness, twisting fog and cold. An unshakeable, bitter cold. Elizabeth had, in various occasions, woken up crying silently. Every morning as Paula would dress her with that inquiring, concerned gaze in her eyes, she remained stubbornly quiet. Her loyal maid kept silent on her lady's puffy eyes and gaunt countenance.

Neither Edward nor her parents were home, fortunately. Elizabeth couldn't have pretended to be cheery, or at least normal, in front of them. Jumbled thoughts and images plagued her mind day and night. She had no coherent thought and she wondered whether she was going crazy or if this was her first moment of lucidity. Her nails had been bitten off until her fingers were a bloody mess. Her hands wrinkled the paper where she had written the word "Ciel" instead of a thank-you note to a friend for an invitation received. The only thing she was sure of was that her agitation had something to do with him. Ciel. Her Ciel. She had a bad feeling, like a premonition. Was something bad going to happen to Ciel? Something bad as in his month-long disappearance? That thought along almost sent her over the edge. Elizabeth urged herself not to panic and take deep, calming breaths.

His beautiful face appeared to her in her haze-filled delusions. She was so worried and scared… but Elizabeth didn't dare writing, much less visiting Ciel. Despite appearances, she wasn't a fool. She knew how Ciel's pathetic try of a smile was graced her way only after a quiet, yet obvious rebuke from Sebastian. How her presence was an annoyance instead of a pleasant surprise. The young lady wondered if he even liked her. As a fiancée, as a cousin, as a friend, or as a pet, she would take whatever love he had to offer her. His name became her first word in the mornings and her last whisper at night.

Elizabeth felt feverish. Time passed without her acknowledgement. Paula called in a doctor on the fifth day of her… state, you could call it. Doctor Holten was a bespectacled man in his mid-sixties who was more of a grandfatherly type than a strict doctor. The only thing he said was that Elizabeth needed more sleep and he gave her prescription for a sleeping drug. He then patted Elizabeth's head in a friendly manner and departed. Elizabeth made sure Paula had left and then spat the medicine out. She refused to take it. Tonight's nightmare had been especially horrible and clear. Elizabeth had woken up screaming and thrashing. She was covered in sweat and tears, her covers sticking to her like clingy hands. Her panic subsided as a cool hand touched her forehead on a soothing manner. The young Midford finally broke down and cried. Paula hugged her not so young charge close to her.

"Lizzy, Lizzy, my lady, dearest," and she whispered away comforting words that made no sense but relaxed Elizabeth. Elizabeth drew slightly away from her best friend and in a voice that sounded a little like the old Lizzy said, "Tomorrow we're going to the Phantomhive mansion, Paula." Said maid looked at her with confusion. "Why, my lady?"

"I have to see Ciel."

As hard as Elizabeth tried to forget, images from the nightmare sprang up on her. Ciel, beautiful and terrible, stood on top of a mound of rotting corpses. Ciel, now bloody and chained to a dark chasm. Ciel, growing limp as a pair of crimson eyes devoured him… Elizabeth took a shuddering breath. The carriage stopped at the mansion. The lady and the maid descended with the help of the footman and made their way to the door. As they waited for the door to open, Elizabeth looked around at the garden as if for the first time… or the last time. Her bleak thoughts were interrupted as Tanaka opened the door. She greeted him as nicely as she could muster and was led inside. "Tanaka, who was it?" a voice was heard. Elizabeth looked up at the stairs and saw Sebastian coming down. She looked at his impeccable uniform, his handsome features, and elegance. As the butler approached them, Elizabeth noticed his slight surprise and questioning. "Lady Elizabeth," he greeted, bowing, "welcome. What a surprise. I am afraid lunch time is over, but I can fetch you a cup of tea…"

Elizabeth shook her head. "Thanks, Sebastian, but that won't be necessary. I just came here to see…"

"My, what to do?" Sebastian interrupted, on an apologetic tone, "the young master left pretty clear instructions to be left alone in his study. He does have a lot of work. I am deeply sorry, Lady Elizabeth," he finished, bowing once again. "Like I said, I can lead you to the parlor and fetch you a cup of tea while you rest. Coming all the way over here must have been tiresome. If you would follow me…"

"I did not come here to see Ciel!" Elizabeth shouted out, stopping the butler dead on his tracks. Lie, her mind yelled. That's a lie. You came all the way over here to see Ciel.

"Oh," Sebastian said, raising one perfect eyebrow, "is that so?" Elizabeth shuddered. She had the feeling Sebastian knew exactly what she was thinking. She remained stubborn. "Yes, indeed. I actually came to see… Mey-Rin." Now the butler didn't bother in hiding his amusement. "Mey-Rin you say, Lady Elizabeth? Why would you need to see Mey-Rin?"

Elizabeth straightened her back and answered on her most lady-like manner, "I do not want to be rude, Sebastian, but it is a quite delicate matter that I do not wish to disclose to anyone." Elizabeth didn't understand why she was lying like there was no tomorrow. Sebastian's apologetic, yet impassive face sent her into a boiling rage. She felt silly and humiliated that just like she expected it, Ciel had not been able to receive her. Once again. She was angry at something, everything.

"Now I will go and seek her," she continued on the no-room-for-discussion tone of voice, "no need to go with me," she told Sebastian as he took a step after her, "I know my way in the mansion. I won't bother Ciel in any way." Sebastian bowed with the tiniest smirk on his lips. "Of course, Lady Elizabeth. Call if you need anything." Elizabeth didn't bother in answering and made her way. Now she had to find the maid, or at least pretend to until those eyes stopped following her everywhere. She went into the kitchen to find Mey-Rin putting away some dishes. The maid had her back turned on her, and seemed to be concentrating so hard in not letting them fall. Elizabeth observed her for a while with a small smile on her face. She knew how clumsy Mey-Rin could be if nervous, so she preferred to remain quiet while the maid finished. With a satisfied smile, Mey-Rin turned around to find Lady Elizabeth standing by the kitchen's door.

"Lady Elizabeth!" Mey-Rin screeched, "Wha-what are y-you do-doing here? D-do you need anything?"

Elizabeth shook her head, blond curls jumping up and down, "No, thank you, Mey-Rin. I was actually looking for you." The maid went red in the face and pointed at herself. Elizabeth smiled and nodded. "Yes, you. I just wanted to know how have you been," she finished. Lame, she thought. That sounded fake even to her own ears.

"I've been fine, Lady Elizabeth, perfectly fine!" Mey-Rin answered enthusiastically. Elizabeth drew a stool closer to a counter and plopped down on it on a quite un-ladylike manner. She propped her face on her hands, tilting it sideways while she looked at Mey-Rin. "I'm glad to hear that, " she said on a surprisingly quiet voice.

Mey-Rin frowned slightly. "Are you ok, my lady?" Elizabeth nodded. "You don't happen to have any tea around here?" she asked.

"Yes, we do, my lady! I'll get you one right away! And for you too, Paula, you both must be very thirsty!" Mei-Rin said as she fussed over two cups of tea. Paula voiced her gratitude as she came to stand beside Elizabeth. They both thanked Mey-Rin as she handed them their cups. "Where is Bard? Finny? I haven't seen both of them," Elizabeth commented. "They both went to the market to get something. Must've been important but I can't remember what…" Mey-Rin answered, trailing off as she tried to remember. Elizabeth took a sip of her tea and stood abruptly. "Well, Mei-Rin, I count on you to take care of Paula for a while, ok? You both keep out of mischief," she added playfully. "Where are you going, miss?" Paula inquired, her face aghast. Mei-Rin looked equally worried. Elizabeth laughed at her maid's dramatic face and patted her hand. "My, my, I'm just going to take a stroll through the gardens, Paula, no need to worry so much."

"I think it hardly appropriate for you to go on alone, miss," Paula answered firmly. Elizabeth shook her head. "I'm going to be perfectly fine, Paula. I know my way around here. The gardens of my childhood, remember? I'll be back in fifteen minutes, maximum. Please," she pleaded. Paula looked at her lady's watery eyes and slightly pale skin. She even looked skinnier. The truth was that she didn't understand what was going on. She didn't know what was causing so much distress in her lady, her strong need to see Lord Phantomhive and then saying she had come to see the maid. She knew she would probably regret it and get a good scolding if the Midfords found out, but she agreed. "Fifteen minutes, my lady. Fifteen and I'll go looking for you." Elizabeth gave her and Mei-Rin a quick hug and almost ran out of the kitchen. "So," Paula turned and smiled at Mei-Rin, "how do you get rid of sauce stains here? Your tablecloths are always so immaculate…"

Elizabeth hugged herself as she walked through the gardens. She felt that she needed a barrier against the flood of memories that engulfed her. Instead of feeling happy remembering her days with the Ciel from before, it saddened her. She walked by Ciel's bedroom window and she stopped and stared at it. She knew the young Earl wouldn't be there, and she kept walking. Elizabeth saw something moving close to a cluster of trees not far from where she was standing. "Maybe Finny?" she muttered as she made her way to the spot. As she drew closer, she recognized the person standing there. Snake had her back turned to her with his arm outstretched to the trunk of a tree. A small snake traveled down the tree and wound itself into his arm. "Snake," she greeted quietly. For some reason, there, right under the canopy of the trees and the cool shadows, Elizabeth felt at ease, almost like on a sanctuary. She didn't want to disrupt the peace. Snake turned abruptly, surprised, as one of his snakes hissed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," she said, taking a step back. Snake whispered something smoothing to his companion and shook his head. "I'm sorry for not noticing you, says Oscar." Elizabeth smiled. "How have you been, Snake?" Snake tugged lightly at his collar. "I've been fine, says Wilde." Elizabeth just nodded and sighed. The silence stretched for a long time, but she didn't feel the least awkward or in the need to make small talk. Snake stood besides her staring, like herself, at the mansion. She was even feeling slightly better. "You came to see Smile? Says Keats."

Elizabeth practically felt her smile drop from her face. Her fists tightened involuntarily. Snake watched alarmed as Elizabeth went from quiet to seething. "He wouldn't receive me," she spat out bitterly. Snake opened his mouth but was interrupted. "Don't even try to defend him, Snake. Not you, too. Everyone thinks I'm idiotic enough not to realize it and they try to cover for him. I'm sick of it!" she growled. She was getting angrier and angrier by the second… and it felt good. Elizabeth felt like a puppet who was struggling to get free from its strings, like a caged bird that hit its cage repeatedly on an effort to fly away. Snake kept silence, finally understanding that Lizzie had to say whatever she had to say. "I'm sick of their pitying looks and apologetic smiles! I'm sick of having to act as if it doesn't hurt! Do you know how tiring it is to hear their mocking remarks and snide comments about Ciel and me? I hate all those ladies! I hate their stiff smiles and skirts!" she was rambling now, pulling at her hair in frustration. Snake didn't know what to do. Elizabeth continued her tirade. "I hate these puffy dresses, too!" she cried out, pulling at her skirt. Her hands ripped pieces of fabric but she kept on pulling. She pulled at the sleeves, at the ruffles, at the ribbons, and at everything she could get her hands on. Snake tried to stop her by grabbing hold of her hands but was pushed back. She was frantic, unable to stop. "I hate these head bands and ornaments that itch and bury themselves into my scalp. I truly despise them!" she yanked the offending items out of her hair. It hurt immensely, and Elizabeth was sure she had pulled off almost all of her hair but she was quite past caring.

"Please stop, Lizzy, says Emily," Snake pleaded. Elizabeth's green eyes filled up with tears. "I'm sick of everything," she continued on a much quieter voice, "I'm sick of everyone." Paula's and Mey-Rin's voices were heard calling for her. Elizabeth turned her back to the house and wiped her eyes furiously. "I truly hate them all." She stood there sobbing, and Snake was speechless. He didn't know what to say to make Lizzie feel better. Meanwhile, the calls and shouts could still be heard but weren't paid any mind. He looked at Lizzie. She was standing there, looking even younger than when he first met her. Her dress was in tatters, her face was blotchy and flushed because of the crying, and her golden hair was in disarray all around her head, looking like a chaotic halo. "Everything is going to be ok," he said in hopes it will help. His breath was knocked out of him when Elizabeth slammed into him and held on to his uniform's lapels. He was surprised and nervous, but Elizabeth hanged on tightly to him and continued crying. Snake had his eyes wide open, arms stretched out to his sides. He was as stiff as a board. "Please don't cry, says Goethe," Snake pleaded once again. Elizabeth sniffled and drew slightly away from Snake, still holding on to his clothes. "I hate Ciel," she whispered. Snake looked at her. "I hate Ciel," she repeated in wonderment, as if discovering something. "You do not hate Smile," Snake told her, confused, "you love him."

"Elizabeth." Both Snake and Elizabeth turned to the new voice. Ciel was standing there, looking at them. Sebastian was just behind him, with Paula and the Phantomhive staff behind him as well. Elizabeth released her hold on Snake and looked at them without answering. Paula gasped and covered her mouth with her hand. "Lady Elizabeth! What happened to you?" she asked worried. Ciel narrowed his eyes and looked both at Elizabeth and Snake. "What is going on, Elizabeth? I was working and your maid comes in making a ruckus of your disappearance, just so we can find you taking a stroll through the gardens. Next time – "

"Shut up, Ciel," Elizabeth said. Ciel's mouth hanged open for a second, a complete look of surprise taking hold of his beautiful features. An awkward moment elapsed as everyone waited for the Earl's reaction. "My Lady, why is your dress in this state? Your hair, look at it! Whatever happened?" Paula cried out, anxious of her charge. She looked suspiciously at Snake. "Did he…?" she started asking, taking a step closer threateningly. "Stop, Paula. Snake didn't harm me in any way. Actually, he did quite the opposite," she said, taking hold of Snake's hand. She squeezed it and let it go. "Elizabeth – "Ciel started but was cut off by Elizabeth. "I hate you, Ciel," she informed him on an emotionless voice. Ciel's blue eye widened. "I hate what you do to me, Ciel," she continued, not breaking eye contact with him. Everyone else seemed to disappear from her mind. "You make me sick with worry to the point of not being able to sleep and eat. You don't even know what is bothering me, yet you send me away so easily, like I am nothing to you. There's a fine line between love and hate, Ciel. I love you so much it might be hate."

"Lizzie," Ciel said in shock, "this doesn't sound like you." Elizabeth laughed mirthlessly. "Now you call me Lizzie," she scoffed. "You're like a disease to me, a daily pain and sweet torture," she gaily stated. Everyone stared at her, confused. They didn't know what mood Elizabeth was going to be in next. Her hand reached out and brushed the Earl's bangs softly away. Her fingers touched his eye-patch lightly and then dropped her hand back. "Ah, Ciel, how much I love you," she declared, sighing. "Let us go, Paula. Mama and Papa will be coming home soon." Ciel stared at his cousin unbelievingly. The look those green eyes had for a second was chilling. He had never seen such desperation and deep feeling. Or rather, he had. In his own eyes, not as long ago as he would have liked. "Elizabeth, what happened to you?" he muttered. Lizzie, who had begun to walk away, turned. "Don't worry, Ciel," she smiled at him, looking a bit like her old self, "this will not happen again. Next time you see me, everything will be normal, as always." A soft look appeared on her green orbs. A sweet look that only the Phantomhive women possessed. Mother, Madam Red, and now Lizzie. "I must have scared all of you," she addressed everyone, but was looking only at Ciel, "forgive me. I know it is hard to believe but I am not crazy," she smoothed her unkempt hair, "or a monster." She stole a quick glance to Sebastian and then turned to walk away. "I am not a monster."

The next time Ciel saw Elizabeth it was as if nothing had happened. The girl had squeezed him to death and had acted as cute and loud as always. He would've thought everything had been a figment of his imagination if the image of Elizabeth walking away, her dress torn to pieces, her hair all over the place, and with a strong, confident gait hadn't been burned into his mind. She had never looked so foreign and glorious. The wife of the Queen's watch dog.


End file.
